Its been a while....

Wow...it has been a loooong time since I posted on here. So much has happened it is hard to know

where to start. We got through the holidays. I got some great advice and added new traditions while still keeping old ones.

The kids decided they wanted an "elf on the shelf" and so we enjoyed this new tradition.

 We were surrounded by the love of family friends and we had a memorial Tree at the winterfest.

 I had everyone who wanted to come and help me decorate. They all brought ornaments that reminded them of Brian. Really amazing expressions of the love they had for the one and only Briguy and for me and Aaron and Rachel.

     We will do that again every year and this year there are two festivals where we will have memorial trees. 

It was beautiful to see all those people who loved Brian and continue to support us on our journey without him.

I hosted Turkey Day with Brian's family.  It was good to be busy all day.

 In December we visited NYC for our pilgrimage to our favorite X-mas tree! It was a trip that never happened in 2010 because Brian was in the Hospital when we had planned on going. Last time Brian and I went was in 2007 while I was pregnant with Rachel. We were so looking forward to taking Rachel together.

 It was tough but I did it because I love that tree and city and so did Brian. My Sister and my BFF made it possible. Without them I would not have gone.

Throughout this time I was waiting to hear if a spot opened up for me in the Occupational Therapy Assistant program at NEIT. It seemed pretty unlikely but three days before classes started I got the call and I started class on January 3rd.  After my first quarter I had a 4.0 GPA.  I am maintaining  4 A's and a B right now in my second Quarter. I love OT and can't wait to get into fieldwork next quarter.  The math class I have to take on the other hand...blehhhhhhhhhhhhh! Guess which class I have a B in?

So the walk has been challenging...now juggling lots of stuff.  In addition I started a weight loss program and I am down 47 lbs from that picture of me right up there.   Lots of good stuff...and in that is the hardest thing of all...feeling that it is okay to feel good and proud of the life I am eeking out for the kids and myself.  Having to look back on 6mos I guess I have accomplished a lot. I hope Brian is okay with it all. I want his approval.  I want him to come in the living room and help me make my decisions.  Doing it without him is both rewarding and sad at the same time.  I have lots of people to share it all with  but not the one who I want to share it with the most.   I guess this is the way the walk goes.   More to come...promise to keep up with this better now.

If only this walk was flat and straight.

11/2010 Thanksgiving Weekend

Its been a while since I've written. I thought that as this went on it would get easier. There are some things that honestly are getting easier. Taking out the trash on Monday nights, for instance. Its something that Brian did for 17yrs. He started doing that for me when we dated. It seemed daunting to add that job at first. It includes kitty litter...a real joy to clean..not! My Dad did it for me the first few weeks but then I decided I needed to do it. At first, I was angry on those Monday nights. And then guilty because I never really appreciated that Brain did this no matter how tired he was without complaints. Now I do it. Shake my fist at heaven, look at the grease stains from his truck still on our driveway and thank him for always doing this but laugh to myself and joke with him that I'll never forgive him for leaving me with kitty litter duty!
(On a side note... I have given my 8yr old the job of getting the upstairs trash for me so I guess I am getting more help then he had)

If only we knew what 2010 would bring

On the other hand, as hard as I thought the summer was, the fall and winter are weighing on me. Oct 21st would have been our 16th Anniversary

Best Conga Line Ever!

Last time we got pictures of us as a family

Then Halloween, Thanksgiving, the anniversary of his accident, Christmas, New years, anniversary of his death and his birthday. At a time like this having Children makes everything better and at the same time harder. You do everything you can so that they can be carefree and enjoy what kids should enjoy. But seeing that and looking around you don't have those eyes to look at across the room so you can communicate "Look at OUR kids having fun. Look what we made!". Their Dad isn't in the other room for me to call to "Brian! Come see this!". He's not around so that I feel like I can hold a holiday dinner with the family and then argue with him that whole morning as we frantically clean the house for our guests. I would love to leave town on 12/20 and not come back till Jan 2nd.  Sit on beach somewhere and not worry about holidays.  But that is unfair to both Brian's memory and our kids.

Birthday 2009

 This the part of the walk that is steep and hard with lots of things to trip over. I may come out bruised and tired but I suppose that when Spring comes next year I will be stronger for the climb.

Visitations

A good friend of mine died a few years back and her two closest friends have spoken of her "visitations" from time to time especially when they are together in her old house. I always thought that was cool and wondered if I would ever experience stuff like that with Brian now gone. Well I am going to share the ones I have experienced so far.  They are not him coming to me in dreams(although I did have one dream experience early on that will warrant its on blog another time). These visits are not  psychic feelings I get that he is around. Many would dismiss it all as utter coincidence but it would mean that never in my life have I experienced coincidence on this scale. I choose to be open to the fact that it is Brian's way of saying...you are doing a good job handling everything...I'm still with you guys.

Visit 1:
I took our car to be serviced a couple of weeks after the Funeral and the whole time I was with the service advisor they were calling for a Brian over the loudspeaker.  The service guy gave me the paper to sign and it was Brian Levesque's account but not my Brian. It was the account of another Brian Levesque and...get this...  one who lives right near his father which is also where he fell from the roof,  I took that as a pat on the back from Bri because I never liked giving up my car to get oil changed. He was proud of how I was taking one of his jobs seriously.

Visit 2:
My son made his 1st communion and rec'd some money as gifts. After a few busy weekends I finally decided to take him to the bank to learn about opening an account etc.  After debating on which bank I would use I went with my current one so I could link all the accounts for easy transfers. I sat down with the customer service rep and talking to her mentioned that I was a widow...blah blah blah.  She looked into my account info and then sat back in surprise and said to me "Oh my goodness, I read your husband's obituary."  "Really?" I replied. It had been a about 4 months  so I was curious why she would remember.   "My whole family did. My cousin has the same name as your husband." Then she said "He lives in Rumford." Rumford is a section of the town we live in. I shook my said, looked at her and said "Well then...he is here right now, isn't he?" I related the story of the oil change to her and she got goosebumps. He was glad I finally got that money in the bank for Aaron!

Visit 3:
After a horrible day dealing with the cemetery and their awful rules(another blog entry all its own) I was beat and decided to take the kids out to eat.  We debated about where to go and then suddenly my son insisted that we had to go to Friendly's. I said fine because I was tired of them arguing.  When we walked in we ran into Brian's cousin, an older woman named Dot who is a former nun and who runs grief retreats and support groups for various Catholic agencies.  She is a peach and since she was done with her friend she asked if she could sit with us. It was exactly what I needed. Someone who knew and remembered when the rules went into effect all the widows who were up in arms back then.  Brian knew I needed that ear and that wisdom.


Visit 4:
4th of July. Our good friends do a big fireworks display and before we had kids Brian was one of the crew doing the lighting's.  I had some of the last fireworks Brian had bought last year to light off in his honor on the 4th. It was just salutes and so I threw them in the fire pit where the display had been the night before. The fire was weak and they didn't go off. I saved some for his friend Dave to light. Our friend Jesse told me they had dedicated the display the night before to Brian and the little program he made up had a wonderful tribute that made me start to cry.  The two guys there hugged me and apologized for making me cry and then we chatted a little about the Briguy. We all turned around and looked towards the fire pit...at that moment the salutes went off!  Yup...he was there with the boys and letting us know it.

Coincidences???Widow wishes???  I take them all in stride and thank him for keeping me looking for him in all we do. Miss you too Brian!

Lemonade

I am really getting tired of having a boatload of lemons in my life with which I need to figure out how to make lemonade out of.  I will say while I hadn't been able to fathom how I will ever make lemonade out of Brian's death(that is one tractor trailer size lemon) and I have now been given a big lemon from work in the form of a layoff.  I am a Teacher Assistant and our genius Superintendent has just got his plan approved to eliminate 9 TA's at the HS  and so those people have to get jobs and we newer folks have to hit the bricks at the end of the school year.  I am at the tail end of the seniority list so I highly doubt that I will ever get a job as a TA in this district. I could get into the politics of it  but I will spare you all that and continue my lemonade story.
While I have been a TA I have been observing some wonderful folks in other( and better paid) positions helping special needs kids and thought about pursuing one of those careers once Aaron was in middle school and Rachel was in elementary.  This layoff has upset my timetable but I found myself coming to a plan of action in very speedy fashion. No real hemming or hawing.  I realized I need to pursue  an Occupational Therapy degree. I researched, consulted OT's I have worked with and admire, and am in the midst of deciding on the one program that will allow me to still be around at night for my kids.  I have an appt to check out the campus and due to the fact that I will be unemployed I will get assistance towards some of the tuition.  This lemon is easily being turned into lemonade.  And my thought is how did I do this so fast, decisively and confidently?  Tonight I realized that that is how I have been living my life since December 22, 2010 at 3:38pm.

From that moment on my whole way of life has been what is best for Brian, these kids and me? While Brian is not physically present with us I still think that doing the best for the kids and me is also doing the best for his legacy.  For that month in the TICU and all that followed, and for probably the first time in my life, I took charge and stood at the helm of the ship. I learned quickly that its okay to ask for and receive help from those who have offered it(duh!).  I was a polite decliner, do it ourselves, don't want to put anyone out, type of person before that day.  I worried a little too much about what others thought of me.  While that still creeps in from time to time I find it easier to dismiss. That being said, I did go to my therapist; who had been away right after my layoff came; a little worried that I had rushed into a plan and had missed something and needed to slow down.  She however validated my plan and having an OT professor in her family assured me of the job market growth and that my skill set was a good fit for being an OT.  She reminded me that while it was not the timetable I had hoped for, the opportunity presenting itself will replace my nice "second income" job with a much brighter future for myself, the kids and Brian's legacy. I have; after all; now assumed the bread-winner position on our little three person team.

Perhaps I have begun to see that the other lemon that seems un-lemonade-able has been refreshing my courage and my soul all along.  It HAS made me stronger and yes that is another door over there that I see cracked open. Besides, I have always enjoyed a nice glass of lemonade.

Why do I care about what others may think?

I wrote this email to my college friend regarding our upcoming 20 yr reunion in June.  After I wrote it I thought it crystalized feelings I have about more then just that weekend.  I worry so much that people who don't know me will assume I am divorced and while that is a hard enough station in life...I actually had a sucessful and pretty happy marriage, by no means perfect, but a solid happy life.....

Hey Mare...looking foward to it but as it apporaches dreading having to tell my I sad tale over and over and worried about being Debbie Downer. I am kind of worried that people will just assume that I am divorced and for some reason that bums me out. We actually got to the actual death do you part thing too f-ing soon. I have nothing against divorced people...but we were actually a darn good pair with a goof life. Don't want people to think I failed at marriage. Feel like wearing a sign...."husband died in January. Yup it sucks beyond belief. I know, they're adorable, right? poor kids .. so unfair. We're doing as okay as we can. Now that we got that out of the way..Who are you again and what have you been up to lately?" or maybe a big Red W. Trying to push the dread out and go to the "drink with old friends and have fun "place. You will have to bear with me if I need to sceedadle if it gets to be too much at times. My last memory of SMC is actually how much Brian enjoyed the 10yr reunion. Ugh...maybe I should have skipped this one. Sorry to be whining and worried but I'm still not used to this widow stuff yet. I was sitting at the ballgame with my friends yesterday and there they are a couple and the thought came into my head. Holy crap their friend is a widow...how wierd do they think that is....is it wierd to hang with a 43 yr old widow?
Okay I have gone on enough...just want you to know not to take any anti social behavoir from me during reunion as anything personal.
Love you
Kathy

Easter

Our first easter without  Brian. Another family event without Brian. Tears while coloring easter eggs, at church, and holding them back while at the dinner table as I look jealously at all the people with husbands and boyfriends still breathing and talking and getting a family day.  Lucky ducks. They still have someone to roll eyes at and be annoyed with.  What I wouldn't give for Brian to piss me off with his 50th "do you need anything before I get home" phone call of the day. What I wouldn't give to be agrivated that he was in the way of the kids when I was trying to get video of them hunting for easter eggs.  I was "Happy to be stuck with you" Brian(he LOVED Huey Lewis and the News). I am not resentful that my sisters and mom and mother in law all still have thier husbands. I am just hoping that they look at me know how lucky they are(all good guys).  I think they do,  I know how lucky I was...now.  Truth be told, it is hard to remember sometimes but after a time when he would drive me crazy I would calm down and realize I was lucky.....until his propensity for being what we all like to call "Nudge" would raise it head.  Thanking God that my last words(that I know for sure he heard) were a happy' "I love you "instead of an annoyed "Yeah, whatever...I'll see you for christ's sake...I'm Busy here!"  

I also keep finding "signs" that he is still here.  Not in that psychic way some people are able to access(more lucky ducks) but for me its like the picture I have  here. Took about 20 pics of us to try and get a non-washed out one and then this one has a ray of ligh beaming right on us.  I know many people would dimiss this as nothing but given other "signs" I have experienced I think this is Brian. Especially because I said to the kids "this could be one of our Christmas card pictures" right before it was taken.  Guess he still wants to be in the Christmas card photos.  I will oblige and and give into the Nudge from heaven.

Oh Yeah...What Oprah said..

I am sitting at home between hospital visits to my husband back in January. It has been about two and a half weeks since he fell from a roof and suffered severe head trauma along with multiple injuries.  I know the end is around the corner. The Dr's had to drop the "Quality of Life" ton of brincks on me just days before.  Everyone keeps saying how strrong I have been and what a great wife etc, etc. I fall apart often since the moment I was notified by the police officer at my door.  Most people don't see it and I never have a GD kleenex because I never know when I am going to fall apart in front of people.
Before I left for the Hospital that morning I saw what looked like an interesting Oprah and the commercial made me think it had something to do with someone miraculously waking up from a coma.  I debated whether I should watch it.  Would it give me false hope? I was starting to cope with the reality that I might have to decide to end care for my Brian. Wasn't sure but I'll watch the first few minutes and see what happens.
Parents of three children who died in an horrific car accident are the guests. They are talking a lot about grief.  Oprah asks them how they were able speak at the funeral for thier three children. They talk about how you have to "walk through the grief". I am amazed by thier strength and story and wonder what my gief will be like. I am crying, sobbing and Oprah looks at the camera and it feels like she is speaking directly to me(man she is good) and says.." No matter What you are going through right now...You CAN get through it!"  It was so stern and sympathetic at the same time. As  I have been going through this whole ordeal those words and words of those greiving parents  resonate daily.  I have also been blessed with an amazing family and freinds and support network and by God(or maybe its been Brian himself) putting a path in front of me to follow as I walk through that grief with our two beautiful kids.
One of the latest examples of this was that on my Birthday I had to go to the wake of the mother of my sister's best friend. At the wake the woman's granddaughter was looking at pictures with me and   I noted that it looked like she was a hoot and had great fun. I asked about her grandfather.  "Oh he passed away when she was in her 40's. He had been sick and she cared for him until he died".  From the pictures I saw I never would have guessed she had that happen to her at my own age. Then  she lost a daughter just a few years ago.  And yet as she was dying with cancer she was laughing and asking for a beer and enjoying life to the fullest.  I certainly didn't want be at wake on my Birthday especially not my "first" birthday but maybe I was there so I could see that things can get better then they are now and to reinforce what I had heard that dark January afternoon coming from my TV(or from somewhere higher).. Maybe it IS like those parents said you have to walk through the grief. Maybe it IS like Oprah said... No matter what you are faced with now...you can get through it.