Easter

Our first easter without  Brian. Another family event without Brian. Tears while coloring easter eggs, at church, and holding them back while at the dinner table as I look jealously at all the people with husbands and boyfriends still breathing and talking and getting a family day.  Lucky ducks. They still have someone to roll eyes at and be annoyed with.  What I wouldn't give for Brian to piss me off with his 50th "do you need anything before I get home" phone call of the day. What I wouldn't give to be agrivated that he was in the way of the kids when I was trying to get video of them hunting for easter eggs.  I was "Happy to be stuck with you" Brian(he LOVED Huey Lewis and the News). I am not resentful that my sisters and mom and mother in law all still have thier husbands. I am just hoping that they look at me know how lucky they are(all good guys).  I think they do,  I know how lucky I was...now.  Truth be told, it is hard to remember sometimes but after a time when he would drive me crazy I would calm down and realize I was lucky.....until his propensity for being what we all like to call "Nudge" would raise it head.  Thanking God that my last words(that I know for sure he heard) were a happy' "I love you "instead of an annoyed "Yeah, whatever...I'll see you for christ's sake...I'm Busy here!"  

I also keep finding "signs" that he is still here.  Not in that psychic way some people are able to access(more lucky ducks) but for me its like the picture I have  here. Took about 20 pics of us to try and get a non-washed out one and then this one has a ray of ligh beaming right on us.  I know many people would dimiss this as nothing but given other "signs" I have experienced I think this is Brian. Especially because I said to the kids "this could be one of our Christmas card pictures" right before it was taken.  Guess he still wants to be in the Christmas card photos.  I will oblige and and give into the Nudge from heaven.

Oh Yeah...What Oprah said..

I am sitting at home between hospital visits to my husband back in January. It has been about two and a half weeks since he fell from a roof and suffered severe head trauma along with multiple injuries.  I know the end is around the corner. The Dr's had to drop the "Quality of Life" ton of brincks on me just days before.  Everyone keeps saying how strrong I have been and what a great wife etc, etc. I fall apart often since the moment I was notified by the police officer at my door.  Most people don't see it and I never have a GD kleenex because I never know when I am going to fall apart in front of people.
Before I left for the Hospital that morning I saw what looked like an interesting Oprah and the commercial made me think it had something to do with someone miraculously waking up from a coma.  I debated whether I should watch it.  Would it give me false hope? I was starting to cope with the reality that I might have to decide to end care for my Brian. Wasn't sure but I'll watch the first few minutes and see what happens.
Parents of three children who died in an horrific car accident are the guests. They are talking a lot about grief.  Oprah asks them how they were able speak at the funeral for thier three children. They talk about how you have to "walk through the grief". I am amazed by thier strength and story and wonder what my gief will be like. I am crying, sobbing and Oprah looks at the camera and it feels like she is speaking directly to me(man she is good) and says.." No matter What you are going through right now...You CAN get through it!"  It was so stern and sympathetic at the same time. As  I have been going through this whole ordeal those words and words of those greiving parents  resonate daily.  I have also been blessed with an amazing family and freinds and support network and by God(or maybe its been Brian himself) putting a path in front of me to follow as I walk through that grief with our two beautiful kids.
One of the latest examples of this was that on my Birthday I had to go to the wake of the mother of my sister's best friend. At the wake the woman's granddaughter was looking at pictures with me and   I noted that it looked like she was a hoot and had great fun. I asked about her grandfather.  "Oh he passed away when she was in her 40's. He had been sick and she cared for him until he died".  From the pictures I saw I never would have guessed she had that happen to her at my own age. Then  she lost a daughter just a few years ago.  And yet as she was dying with cancer she was laughing and asking for a beer and enjoying life to the fullest.  I certainly didn't want be at wake on my Birthday especially not my "first" birthday but maybe I was there so I could see that things can get better then they are now and to reinforce what I had heard that dark January afternoon coming from my TV(or from somewhere higher).. Maybe it IS like those parents said you have to walk through the grief. Maybe it IS like Oprah said... No matter what you are faced with now...you can get through it.