Lemonade

I am really getting tired of having a boatload of lemons in my life with which I need to figure out how to make lemonade out of.  I will say while I hadn't been able to fathom how I will ever make lemonade out of Brian's death(that is one tractor trailer size lemon) and I have now been given a big lemon from work in the form of a layoff.  I am a Teacher Assistant and our genius Superintendent has just got his plan approved to eliminate 9 TA's at the HS  and so those people have to get jobs and we newer folks have to hit the bricks at the end of the school year.  I am at the tail end of the seniority list so I highly doubt that I will ever get a job as a TA in this district. I could get into the politics of it  but I will spare you all that and continue my lemonade story.
While I have been a TA I have been observing some wonderful folks in other( and better paid) positions helping special needs kids and thought about pursuing one of those careers once Aaron was in middle school and Rachel was in elementary.  This layoff has upset my timetable but I found myself coming to a plan of action in very speedy fashion. No real hemming or hawing.  I realized I need to pursue  an Occupational Therapy degree. I researched, consulted OT's I have worked with and admire, and am in the midst of deciding on the one program that will allow me to still be around at night for my kids.  I have an appt to check out the campus and due to the fact that I will be unemployed I will get assistance towards some of the tuition.  This lemon is easily being turned into lemonade.  And my thought is how did I do this so fast, decisively and confidently?  Tonight I realized that that is how I have been living my life since December 22, 2010 at 3:38pm.

From that moment on my whole way of life has been what is best for Brian, these kids and me? While Brian is not physically present with us I still think that doing the best for the kids and me is also doing the best for his legacy.  For that month in the TICU and all that followed, and for probably the first time in my life, I took charge and stood at the helm of the ship. I learned quickly that its okay to ask for and receive help from those who have offered it(duh!).  I was a polite decliner, do it ourselves, don't want to put anyone out, type of person before that day.  I worried a little too much about what others thought of me.  While that still creeps in from time to time I find it easier to dismiss. That being said, I did go to my therapist; who had been away right after my layoff came; a little worried that I had rushed into a plan and had missed something and needed to slow down.  She however validated my plan and having an OT professor in her family assured me of the job market growth and that my skill set was a good fit for being an OT.  She reminded me that while it was not the timetable I had hoped for, the opportunity presenting itself will replace my nice "second income" job with a much brighter future for myself, the kids and Brian's legacy. I have; after all; now assumed the bread-winner position on our little three person team.

Perhaps I have begun to see that the other lemon that seems un-lemonade-able has been refreshing my courage and my soul all along.  It HAS made me stronger and yes that is another door over there that I see cracked open. Besides, I have always enjoyed a nice glass of lemonade.

Why do I care about what others may think?

I wrote this email to my college friend regarding our upcoming 20 yr reunion in June.  After I wrote it I thought it crystalized feelings I have about more then just that weekend.  I worry so much that people who don't know me will assume I am divorced and while that is a hard enough station in life...I actually had a sucessful and pretty happy marriage, by no means perfect, but a solid happy life.....

Hey Mare...looking foward to it but as it apporaches dreading having to tell my I sad tale over and over and worried about being Debbie Downer. I am kind of worried that people will just assume that I am divorced and for some reason that bums me out. We actually got to the actual death do you part thing too f-ing soon. I have nothing against divorced people...but we were actually a darn good pair with a goof life. Don't want people to think I failed at marriage. Feel like wearing a sign...."husband died in January. Yup it sucks beyond belief. I know, they're adorable, right? poor kids .. so unfair. We're doing as okay as we can. Now that we got that out of the way..Who are you again and what have you been up to lately?" or maybe a big Red W. Trying to push the dread out and go to the "drink with old friends and have fun "place. You will have to bear with me if I need to sceedadle if it gets to be too much at times. My last memory of SMC is actually how much Brian enjoyed the 10yr reunion. Ugh...maybe I should have skipped this one. Sorry to be whining and worried but I'm still not used to this widow stuff yet. I was sitting at the ballgame with my friends yesterday and there they are a couple and the thought came into my head. Holy crap their friend is a widow...how wierd do they think that is....is it wierd to hang with a 43 yr old widow?
Okay I have gone on enough...just want you to know not to take any anti social behavoir from me during reunion as anything personal.
Love you
Kathy